a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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