Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
