Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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