he told me I talked like a deaf person
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
