Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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