My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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