we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He literally asked permission to hit on me
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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