How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize
