I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
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