then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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