You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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