My liver just broke up with me...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I licked your asshole in confidence.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
