By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
