I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
