If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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