just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
