to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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