Sry I called you an 8
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
