i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
