Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
