i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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