Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
