I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
