But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
