happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
