omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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