Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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