I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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