got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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