i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
