I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
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Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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