it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
