I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
