your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
So much rum. So many feels.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
