I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
