remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
