I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
