So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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