I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
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chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Well I just put wine in my tea
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About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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