I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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