So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
