party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
