i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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