what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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