Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
