If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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