omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
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