Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
