I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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