Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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