I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
