Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
