That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
